this video thing is failing
i predict it'll pick up in the summer-when u guys are free-er
i have to write
you guys probably won't see this for a while
but it doesn't matter-i have to write now or i'm gonna ..i don't even know-cry, shut down, whatever.
i don't know what it takes to be loved.
i can't say it any clearer than that.
i'm so afraid of spending my life alone. fuck. tears.
i'm staying far away from ginz, trying to forget zach because at the base of things, he is not nice. and yeah. in general, male friends=trap, for me at least. never have enough time or py enough attention, they don't actually care. i can't deal with that. i want to close myself off from them so i can stop hurting myself mentally with the realization ever weekend that they don't actually care about me, but i'm afraid cutting myself off is dangerous. i might sink into quiet manic depression, might crawl under the bed and never come out. literally.
because after them, who's left?
You seniors and college freshmen are a group on to yourselves, and apparently, the hardest time in highschool is fast approaching. stress-friends would equal a horrible thing, and i see myself faking that shit til second semester, because none of this friendship is real.
mmm...never posted here before but i realize i ought to.
ReplyDeletefirst of all, do any of us, hell, does anyone really know what it takes to be loved? do we wake up in the morning and decide that we are going to be lovable? if there is such a person i really want to meet her/him. i know i sure don't know what it takes to be loved. love is an enigma and it works in crazy mysterious ways. my only suggestion, is to be yourself, love yourself and love others. if you care about someone, tell them, show them. most importantly remember that you are capable of loving and being loved.
second, do i ever understand the fear of spending life alone. i've been at the point where i was convinced that that was my fate and more days than i would like to admit, i am convinced that my life is really a dream and i AM alone. the title of my blog is after all, isolophobic insomniac. isolophobic being the fear of being alone. i think at some point or another we all believe that we are alone and that we will always be alone, but this ISN'T TRUE. you will find people and they will find you and you will realize that there are so many other people out there who feel so desperately alone as well.
that being said...
i will concede your point about male friends=traps. but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have them. as far as your reasoning goes, i'm afraid there is not too much to be done about this. psychologically speaking, guys are less inclined to want to talk about anything emotional and just generally less capable of picking up on nonverbal cues. therefore, subtle hints are relatively useless and if you start talking about something that involves feelings they are likely to cut and run. also, in terms of not having time, my guess is that this is partly due to everyone's busy schedule and going back to the emotional/pysch bit, they also want to be DOING something. so if you want to sit and chat they would rather be playing sports/videogames or basically anything physical.
however...
ReplyDeleteDON'T CLOSE YOURSELF OFF. trust me this is a BAD BAD BAD plan. speaking from experience, this seems like a good plan at first and it works for a while, but in the end it makes everything worse. it is a fast downward spiral (at least in my experience) and not a path you want to go down if you can help it.
again, unfortunately, part of this "they don't actually care about me" is unavoidable. friendship is largely based on convenience and commiseration. (at least, this is what i think.) therefore, there will be a lot of people who you can hang out with/ talk to in school or wherever you know them from, but you won't actually interact with them very much otherwise. this is okay, although not always fun, and i think it can be very rewarding. after all, sometimes it's nice to vent with people about how sucky a class is, but you wouldn't want they to know about the fight you had with your mother. things like that.
as to your last points...
i don't know if we are a group unto ourselves or what the implications of that fact are but just cause we leave doesn't mean we're gone. it sounds like bullshit, i know cause i typed it, but i truly believe this.
the hardest time? maybe
but it doesn't have to be the worst time. i have to tell you, the best times of my life happened from last may until now. but i think you have to experience it to really get it. so i'm afraid you will have to wait, my dear.
stress-friends? faking? it happens and it sucks, but as far as i can tell, that's just how it is some times. i can count several dozen people who are my "friends/aquaintances/whatever" but as far as FRIENDS I REALLY CARE ABOUT and love and actually intend to keep in touch with when i leave (not including jesse and mei lan because they are family or as good as), try about a half dozen (you are one of them by the way). not so many right? so maybe i don't have REAL friendship with very many people and maybe sometimes (a lot of the time) i wish i could tell everyone i'm not actually friends with to go away. but i can't and i probably wouldn't even if i could. because as much as i'd like to, interaction is hugely important.
so my suggestions
ReplyDeletehug more people (please hug josh, i think he needs them. poor guy hasn't realized that hugging is good for the soul, despite the number of times i have told him this. PLEASE HELP/ JOIN my "hug josh more campaign"
talk to feldy (she's crazy but great to talk to)
talk to arlo (seriously, the man is a lifesaver. he's funny, calm, empathetic, logical, nice etc. if you need to talk he's a great person to go to.)
find people you like who share one of your interests because often if you share one interest you share others
become a peer leader (seriously, i feel like i go on and on about how great PL is but that's because it is eye-opening. it's a reminder that other people feel and care and hurt and win and lose and love and cry and everything. i will also say that not really having any friends who are peer leaders makes the experience even better (kind of counter intuitive, i know).
finally, if you ever need to talk face to face and not screen to screen i am always willing to listen. you can come find me, call me, text me or whatever. but i'm here and wiling to talk anytime.
love ad infinitum,
cc
CC hit the nail on the head.
ReplyDeleteJust remember, no matter how far away we are, we love you tremendously, and you're never completely alone. I know it feels like it sometimes, but you gotta fight through that. On days like that, weeks like that, months like that, just keep telling yourself there's an end to this storm. And ride it out. Those feelings pass. We all fear being alone, we all feel unlovable and unwanted and undesired. And we may not all have the same story, no, but that doesn't mean we don't feel the same things. Why do you think song lyrics have such a lasting impression on people? Because they've felt it, we feel it, others feel it, and we can all relate. Things will look up, they always do. Just ride out the rough spots, and do as CC recommended, they're great suggestions. Things'll be changing before you know it, beautiful.
Stay strong, stay wonderful, stay you.
Love,
J